How to Ask For What You Need
We all have needs.
When we grew up, we may have been told that certain needs are not acceptable, so we suppress such needs because we are ashamed of them.
As a result, we may not be consciously aware that we have such needs, and/or we think that such needs are too “much” or “shameful” to ask for from others.
Why shaming or suppressing your needs is harmful
Having needs does not mean you are parasitic. You only define such needs as parasitic because you tried to meet those needs from people, most likely your caregivers, who could not meet or were afraid to meet those needs.
Such people shamed you for having such needs. And, if they were your caregivers growing up, you may have learned to believe that these needs are unacceptable.
However, since those needs never go away, you will go about meeting those suppressed needs in a roundabout way subconsciously (you can call that manipulation) instead of directly asking for what you want.
When we are resisting our needs, we are not in flow, as most of our energies are spent in resisting our suppressed needs. We may find our communication stifled as a result of resisting our own needs.
How suppressing your needs can show up in your life
For example, if you were treated poorly and your needs were invalidated in your childhood, you may…
- Believe that your emotional needs are not valid and your worth is not defined based on how you were treated
- Maybe stuck in your childhood pattern of continuously attracting people and circumstances who could not meet your needs
- Invalidate your own needs for safety and connection
- Afraid of asking for what you want, and not asking for what you want directly
- Blame yourself when others treat you poorly
- Engage in passive-aggressive behavior as a result of not being able to ask for what you want
- Have very poor boundaries and let others step all over you
- Feel resentful of others because you have trouble setting boundaries
- Have a very strong inner critic that puts you down whenever you ask for what you need (you invalidate yourself before others invalidate you)
- All the above leads to… low self-esteem and worth
Women are not usually trained to ask for what they need, because asking for what you need can be threatening to the status quo
A lot of you, especially if you grew up in Asian or even Middle Eastern households, may have been taught that needs are shameful and that you shouldn’t ask for what you need.
If you (especially if you are a woman) dare to ask for what you need, this threatens the status quo. As a result, some of the women who asked for what they needed may have been punished i.e. banished or killed as a result of admitting that they have needs and for expressing their needs. This goes way back to the ancestry if you dig deep enough.
Your mother and grandmothers may have been silenced for voicing their needs, and/or may not even attempt to try to do so because they were taught that their needs were not important.
I’ve noticed that many women who believe that their needs are shameful and cannot ask for what they need are deeply unhappy and resentful, of life.
This will likely manifest in their relationships and their career, and they may be using coping mechanisms such as overeating, overexercising, overworking, and alcohol to escape from this pain — the pain of believing that their deep needs cannot be met.
How to heal and start expressing your needs
Healing begins when you take responsibility and start to recognize that the reality you created stemmed from your core beliefs.
And, if you believed that your needs were not valid and that you were not worthy of having your needs met, chances are you would be attracting people and circumstances that reflect such beliefs.
To learn to believe that your needs are valid, you will first have to recognize what your needs are by being aware of all your emotions and feelings. This includes being aware of your negative emotions and feelings as well.
Thereafter, I’d recommend the following steps:
#1: Psychosomatically feel safe and take that safety in your body. You can picture anything that makes you feel safe, and learn to broadcast that feeling sensation in your body. Deeply feel what safety feels like in your body. For example, you can lie on the ground and imagine the ground supporting you. Savor that feeling of being safe and supported by the ground and hold it as long as you can. Remember what it feels like in your body to feel safe and be supported.
To heal is to experience the opposite. Experiencing being held in a safe connection is the “antidote” to feeling abandoned by life.
#2: Acknowledge that your needs are valid, and experience what it feels like to have your needs met, be it by a healer, psychologist, or somatic therapist, psychosomatically i.e. not just from your mind, but from your body sensations. This relates to #1. The key is to savor the feeling of having your needs met.
#3: And most importantly, and probably the hardest, but the most crucial step:
Healing comes from acceptance — accepting that we could not have controlled how others treated us in the past, and grieving over the pain of being hurt by those we needed most.
Feel the grief from the pain of being hurt when you were vulnerable and could not control others’ desires and actions.
And deeply understand that it is not your fault that you were hurt as a result of your needs being unmet.
If you dig deeper, you may feel an immense loss of control and grief seeing your subconscious pattern of running toward those that cannot meet your needs.
And the key is to sit with this grief and pain, and not run away from this. When you practice this loving presence with yourself, your heart will begin to heal and open again.
And, know that you are inherently loved and worthy, no matter how others may have treated you, and accept that you could not have controlled how others may have treated you.
#4: Meet your needs by ASKING FOR WHAT YOU WANT from people who can give you what you need.
Healing comes from accepting things and people as they are, *and* going towards those that are compatible with your innate desires and can meet your needs.
And the above starts with you asking for things you want but don’t normally ask for. For example…
- If you don’t like the food at a restaurant, send it back.
- If you don’t like the way someone around you is behaving, say something. It doesn’t mean you are trying to get them to change (you probably can’t), but you can voice how you feel about his/her behavior i.e. “I don’t feel very comfortable when you do X. I would appreciate it if you could [Y].” And you can choose to see their response towards you and react accordingly.
- If someone’s interested in you/involved with you romantically, but you aren’t interested in that person (anymore) and can’t tell him/her the truth because you can’t stand hurting their feelings or/and are afraid of being single — still tell them the truth. By owning your truth, you are setting yourself and the person free.
When you first start practicing voicing what you need, it may be foreign, even scary because you are going out of your comfort zone. You may be worried about the consequences of voicing your needs.
Hold that fear, and still voice what you need anyway.
In the beginning, you may stutter, act “demanding”, or be very timid when you speak up. And all that is ok.
Asking for what you need is a practice that can be refined. There’s no perfection in this craft.
By voicing your needs, you are choosing yourself and no longer abandoning yourself. As a result, you are likely to attract people and circumstances that can meet your needs.
This may mean you have to feel the grief of losing some connections, and the fear of people’s response to you when they can’t get what they want from you as a result of you speaking up and saying no to what does not serve you. And know that all that is ok.
The universe wants you to feel so much love towards yourself and have your needs met because that’s the way toward expansion and evolution.
Asking for what you need may be an unknown territory, and hence you may be afraid.
Whenever fear pops up, acknowledge her presence, show her loving kindness, and remember this: Victory is in the unknown.
Remember to check out my other articles on wellbeing here:
#1: Manifest Flow & Self Love By Embracing Your Parts
#2: How to Change Your Karma, Destiny & Future
#2: Be Present by Positively Embracing Your Negative Emotions
#3: How to Cultivate Self Love and Compassion
#4: How to be Present, Heal & Reprogram Your Subconscious
#5: A Simple Trick From a Zen Master Will Help You Sleep Better Tonight
#6: How to Reclaim Your Femininity, Open In Love + Be Vulnerable
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